FINAL: An interpretation of Claes Oldenberg's "I am for an art...."

Claes Oldenberg's "I am for an art...." is at times masterful in its presentation, making incredible metaphors and painting very vivid and very cool images in my mind as I read it.  But this is one of those things that seems to make its point and gets it across to its audience but then beats us over the head with it to the point where I don't want to read about it anymore.  

It seems to me that Oldenberg is open to any sort of art and has a somewhat fuck you attitude towards conventional society, and in many ways seems to be in an underlying tone, asking or rather telling us what the meaning of life and art is to us.  

Lines like: "I am for an art that embroils itself with the everyday crap & still comes out on top.", has a powerful confidence about it that breaking out and being unconventional and making yourself unique from society is the thing to do.  I like it, and I can connect to that.  

Others like: I am for art that is put on and taken off, like pants, which develops holes, like socks, which is eaten, like a piece of pie, or abandoned with great contempt, like a piece of shit.", that right there is so multi-layered and so thought provoking.  From pants that develop holes, like socks, which is eaten like a piece of pie or abandoned with great contempt like a piece of shit.  That is just brilliant.  That is deeply developed and thought provoking work that starts at one end, delves deep and just smacks you right in the face.  That is probably my favorite line in the poem.  It has this uncanny, masterful attitude that grabs the listener, ties them down to a chair and really gets in their heads. A really powerful usage of words.

This line right here: "I am for an art that comes out of a chimney like black hair and scatters in the sky. ", is one of the lines in the poem that is visually stimulating.  I can just see smoke rising from a chimney and seeing it dissipate into the sky as it comes out.  These three lines for me are powerful, thought provoking and visually powerful all in one.  

But then there are lines that are so downright random, and confusing that it brings this piece as a whole down from what it could have been.  

Lines like: "I am for the art of sailing on Sunday, and the art of red and white gasoline pump.", just make me scratch my head and wonder what Oldenberg is trying to say.  

The one right below it, like this line: "I am for the art of bright blue factory columns and blinking biscuit signs.", is another example of just being random and leaving the reader of the poem feel cold and empty because these lines begin to not make sense after a while.  

This one takes the cake though: "I am for Kool-art, 7-UP art, Pepsi-art, Sunshine art, 39 cents art, 15 cents art, Vatronol Art, Dro-bomb art, Vam art, Menthol art, L & M art Ex-lax art, Venida art, Heaven Hill art, Pamryl art, San-o-med art, Rx art, 9.99 art, Now art, New ar, How art, Fire sale art, Last Chance art, Only art, Diamond art, Tomorrow art, Franks art, Ducks art, Meat-o-rama art.", that's when I just tossed my hands up in the air and gave up.  This unique style that was once interesting is beginning to get tedious at this point.  Oldenberg seems to get really self indulgent with his work by this point by writing anything, absolutely anything that comes to mind.  Oldenberg took a good thing, worked with it and then ran it into the ground.  It's just way too much by this point.

I really liked this style of writing when it did work though.  When each line sort of took you on a mini journey in its own right.  It was like something I hadn't really seen before.  It felt original, it felt fresh.  But there was just no filter on Oldenberg's writing.  He just sort of kept going and going until he just couldn't write anymore crazy, bizarre, random ideas.  

The subjects he was talking about though were just so broad, that it seemed like he was really searching for what life as an artist and life in general, meant to him.  I don't know why I keep coming back to that notion over and over again, but it just seems like with the attitude he had while writing this project, with the wide variety of subject matter he discussed, he had to be searching for something.  The meaning of life as art is a broad subject, but this is a very broad poem.  It seems like to him that a great many things are indeed art, ranging from the art in bloody rabbits to the art of the washing machine.  

The statement, "I am for an art" begins each line.  Each way of art, or way of life that he discusses, he champions.  I believe that some lines have meaning, while others are just pointlessly random.  Oldenberg's initially powerful poem turned into an over the top sort of way too "artsy" project to me that just went on for way too long and dragged out what it was trying to do for 10 lines too many.  

I figured that this is an ambitious project, and that I should try my hand at.  Right my own sort of unique poem.

Here goes:

That which is true, isn't real.

That which is real, isn't true.

Spread eagle, laying under the dark and powerful overcast sky.

Eyes wide, not with fear, not with anger, not with love, but with wonder.

A rain drop falls on the eye.  

He blinks twice.  The drop begins to trickle slowly down a face.

Lighting streaks across the sky followed immediately by a clap of thunder.

Something compels him, he stands slowly.  

He stands with arms by his side.  

He stares at the sky, a sky that gets darker as each second passes.

There is something strange about the air as it blows gently, caressing his naked body.  

He stands admiring the beauty around him.

He has escaped to a place where he has found hope.

Away from a world that did nothing but hold him back.

It begins to rain as he steps forward.

Sadness and envy have left his body.

There is peace in his heart.  

There is love all around him.  

He has found the one place he has always needed.

He had lost trust, but has gained it back through the strength of those important to him.

Before he was numb, now he is back.

Now he is alive.  

What they gave him, saved him.

What he gained is what is most important.

Step after step.

Breath after breath.

Everything becomes clearer and clearer.

The rain stops, the sun shines through the clouds.

He stops, looking towards the sun.

He smiles as the clouds fade and he is emitted in light.

Whether or not there is fate

Whether or not there is God

He will always have what matters to him

And he will do all he can to keep that until the day he draws his last breath.

A sense of connection, a sense of peace is all he wants.

He blinks twice. 

It is back.

(Photo courtesy of Zach Strum)

  

    

Public Artwork, stranger's reactions, critics

About two years ago, I compiled a bunch of footage I had shot over the course of the year when I was first seriously getting into making movies into a bizarre collage.  The collage itself has an underlying meaning that is very difficult to understand unless you look really hard, but I really just made it as an experiment, and I wanted to combine film with my favorite song ever, Comfortably Numb.  

I shot a lot of the video at my high school and some of the other footage I shot at home that I took from some shorts I made earlier in the year as well.  I had never intended to make a super collage of all these films, but just felt like doing it one day and did.  The goal was just to make a fun little experiment but I was surprised of the critical reaction I got from the film.  

I posted the film on Youtube.  I got some good responses (I remember) from some people I had communicated with online about Pink Floyd, saying that they thought it was interesting as a whole, even if they didn't get it and they liked the chaotic style of the whole thing and thought it blended together really well.  My dad loved it because of how absurd it was.  He said he loved the shots, loved the music and really liked the feeling he got from it.

But the internet is harsh place.  This video I made has gotten over 1000 views surprisingly and five responses.  I used to be one of those people that would give constructive criticism on small time Youtube videos, I usually wouldn't tear a video a new one, but man, some of these people really don't like this movie.

One response really stuck out to me though, "This video is terrible. It has no point. The only thing that saves it remotely is the music by Pink Floyd."  

That kind of hurt, I mean I know I shouldn't take things personally from people I don't even know, but I was just thinking to myself, like, give a guy a break.  This isn't some professional film or anything, I mean you don't have to like it, but there's no reason to publicly trash someone's work online.  I can even see where the person is coming from.  Yes it's confusing, yes it's really, really weird, but it's supposed to be.  It's supposed to be kind of stupid and fun and silly.  It's not really meant to be taken seriously.  And I think I made it as something for people to just mindlessly enjoy.

I did get a couple of good responses, one guy said, "That was incredible, truly awesome."  Another said, "Wow, man.  That was amazing.  I love Pink Floyd as well."  

Another person commented that they just love the band, and I hope that this song added to that love.  The most recent comment I got was, "gay as a bitch/// great song, pink floyd is the ebst".  Whatever that means.  That's really just another example of an ignorant person online with nothing constructive to say and is just mouthing off for the sake of mouthing off.

It's interesting how you can really love something you've done and then have someone else completely and utterly hate it.  It just goes to show that everyone's way of thinking is so incredibly different.  While those comments kind of hurt, it's something I just need to brush off.  People on the internet and in real life are brutal, they don't care about your feelings when they talk about your work and will say whatever comes to mind.  

Some of my favorite artists like Kevin Smith (Clerks. and Chasing Amy) and David Jaffe (God Of War, Twisted Metal series) say they argue with people on the internet all the time, but feel like in the long run it doesn't matter, and they shouldn't get so worked up over what some random person says on the internet about their work.  I totally agree with this.  While there are some good people online, there are so many trolls out there, that they will eventually just make you feel worthless about yourself.  

Another thing is that no matter how good you think something is, there is always going to be someone out there who doesn't love what you love and you have to learn to face those people and deal with it.  What they say and what they think doesn't matter, as long as deep down you realize what you truly love and what you're passionate about.  This situation just reinforces that notion for me.  

To judge for yourselves, here is the infamous Comfortably Numb music video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54H2cpEvQlo  I would post it here, but the video screen on Blogger is just way to small.  

Inspiring Artists

Many of the artists I admire that inspire me do not draw or create paintings, nor are they at the top of their game really anymore for the most part.  Artists like Bob Dylan, Roger Waters and David Gilmour of Pink Floyd and the Floyd themselves aren't at the top of their games anymore.

My favorite filmmakers, Peter Jackson, David Chase and David Simon have really already achieved their magnum opuses with The Lord of the Rings, The Sopranos and The Wire respectively.  

Others such as my favorite game designers, Hideo Kojima and David Jaffe, even though they have created their best work in their careers already, they have a mighty long way to go before they run out of steam creatively.  

One thing I never take into account though with all of my heroes who create contemporary art is that artwork itself, drawing, and painting help those works come to life and give them a sense of identity.  Games especially rely heavily on concept art when they are being created so that everyone on the creative team has an idea about what they want from the project and where the project is going.

I decided to look up some of my favorite creations' concept art and really, really enjoyed what I saw.  

The concept art for The Lord of the Rings films really blew my mind.

Here are a few drawings from renowned concept artist Alan Lee, who director Peter Jackson asked to help make concept art for the film after he himself worked with author J.R.R. Tolkien on the books.  

A drawing of the tower of Orthanc in which the evil Saruman, (Christopher Lee) conspires with the dark lord Sauron to try and enslave the earth.  

 

A drawing of a rendering of when Sam (Sean Astin) and Frodo (Elijah Wood) capture Smeagol aka Gollum (Andy Serkis) and force him to lead them to Mordor to destroy the Ring of Power.

Here is a rendering of the Mines of Moria, a place that the Fellowship of the Ring visit in the first film in the trilogy.  

The Elf city of Rivendell from the first film, "The Fellowship of the Ring".

Perhaps Alan Lee's age wouldn't allow him to fall into this particular category of artists, but I think his work is simply astounding.  Incredibly detailed, with beautiful colors that can either be very vibrant or very dark.  This concept art was very key to how Peter Jackson and his production designer, visual effects team, and others made the sets for the films.  Lee's work is masterful here, and he really shows a powerful command of the subject matter, and his passion for the story of The Lord of the Rings really shines through here.

An artist that would fall into this category is concept artist Yoji Shinkawa who designs the characters and look of the Metal Gear Solid games.  Shinkawa's work like Lee's, is vital to the vision of the director coming to fruition.  Shinkawa works heavily in designing the characters in rough sketch works that have a sort of brutal grittiness that captures the essence of the games. Here is some of his work from all four Metal Gear Solid games.

A sketch of Solid Snake and Meryl Silverburgh from Metal Gear Solid.  Two characters that stand together and fight together no matter what the odds are.  In the background are some of the adversaries and friends they encounter along the way of this legendary first adventure.

A really nice shot here of series protagonist, Solid Snake.  Dark and in your face, Shinkawa's style in this sketch personifies his artwork.  There's no underlying meaning, it's in your face, it's powerful and it captures what Shinkawa is trying to say through the guidance of series creator and director, Hideo Kojima.

A very cool drawing of the threat in "Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty", Metal Gear Ray landing and standing very menacingly.  The design of Ray is very intimidating and I really like the white part of the background that indicates the force behind Ray's landing.  Very well done.

The cover work for the special edition of "Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater".  Perfectly captures the main character of this game, Naked Snake, aka Big Boss' emotions throughout the game which is not letting the people of his life in, and also really gets good emotions from the women in his life, EVA on the left and The Boss on the right.  I like the fact that Big Boss is colored in and EVA and The Boss are sort of like shadows in the background that are always watching him.

This image here is some of Shinkawa's best and most interesting work.  I haven't seen in any of his other paintings such vibrant uses of color.  This seems to be the closest thing he comes to an expressionistic painting.  The lonely shot of Big Boss from Metal Gear Solid 3 is captured beautifully.  The bright, red colors really make this one stand out and the black dots that I assume are the sky add an incredibly dark tone to a very beautiful image.  Really can't stop gawking at those reds and pinks.  This is beautiful work right here.  

Shinkawa returns to his older ways of sketching here in a nice profile shot of Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.  Captures Snake's feelings and has very distinct and somber feel to it.

Shinkawa's work has become relevant to me because of my recent passion for this series since last Summer.  Really enjoy his work and I'd say he is definitely one of my favorite artists.  Love his style, and I love the characters he draws.  He seems like a man who is very passionate about his work, and is a big help to Kojima in terms of how the characters look in the game.

Other artists who's work I really admire are Cecil Kim and Andy Park, concept artists for the "God of War" games.  Probably the most blood thirsty and most action packed video game series of all time, God Of War is a series created by one of my favorite game designers, David Jaffe.  God Of War is an ancient Greek mythic tale centered around main character Kratos, who is betrayed by the Gods.  Out on a quest to avenge the loss of his wife and child at the hands of Aires, Kratos will stop it nothing until he defeats all of the minions of Aries and Aries himself, trying to become the first mortal to ever kill a god.

Jaffe, inspired heavily by great action films like "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and needed to give his game a huge, grand, epic feel.  He enlisted the help of concept artists Cecil Kim and Andy Park to help him map out the feel for the game.  They acted as storyboards in some ways for the development team working on the first game.  To me, these works are very surreal and impressionistic, but I think that could definitely be up for debate.    

Really nice use of the blood, and in a kind of over the top manner, really like the look of the cyclops.  Kratos is incredibly blood thirsty here.  This definitely feels like a painting that was painted in a time period that we would have studied in class this year.

Same would go for this painting.  The background especially reminds me of many paintings we have studied over the year.  

Flat out bizarre work right here.  One of the many beasts that Kratos must defeat on his epic journey.  Really a disgusting background of strange hues creates an uneasy feeling and the detail of this creature is masterful and sickening.

Those are three artists, Shinkawa, Kim, and Park, that are on top of their games.  

I have to say that over the course of my life, I don't think I've given visual artists enough due for creating the artwork that really gets what the director wants on a page and really lets the rest of the creative team know which direction that the character design or the environment design is heading.  Concept artists and directors have to work hand in hand.  I have a much broader appreciation for that relationship, and will remember that in the future for my own work.

Reynolda House Adventure

About a month ago, some friends and I went to Reynold house to see the art exhibit.  There were a few works that stuck to me such as Chauncey Ryder's Phantom Lake.  A really peaceful work that is just a very surrealistic lake that lies just beyond a small forest.  The painting is at sunset and the colors of the sunset create this really, really nice peaceful mood.  I seriously remember just sitting down on a cushion and just staring at this painting for a good ten minutes and admiring its beauty.  It really was just a place I'd really like to go and just relax.  It's such a nice and peaceful setting that I don't think can ever really be replicated because although it's very simple, it's also very sweet and serene.  It's hard to really describe without actually being able to show the painting on here since I was unable to take a picture of it at the exhibit.

The point is, is that I found a really beautiful painting that really spoke to me.  It made me want to find this nice place and just relax by the lake.  It seemed like a slice of heaven.  I also found what the display said to be spot on about the painting: "...Suggests distinctive balance that he struck between reality and imagination".  It's a place that looks real, but it's only a place that we can really see in our dreams.  

I looked high and low online for a picture of Phantom Lake but could find none.  Instead, I did stumble upon this, which is definitely in the same style as Phantom Lake called Mount Lovewell, near Hillsborough, New Hampshire (1920).

Same sort of peaceful style, really like this guy's way of working with landscapes.  He does a great job at making simple images look beautiful and majestic.  

Another artwork that I really liked was Charlie Rosen's "Beck's Point".  Another sort of surreal landscape painting that encompassed an icy shoreline that looked very barren and bleak.  The opposite of what Phantom Lake is.  It's long winding mountains while waves crashed upon the side seems to send a rather ominous message.  I think what really struck me was that this was the first painting I saw after Phantom Lake and just the stark contrast between the two was pretty insane.  From peace to death.  A place I'd love to go, to a place I would really never want to go. 

Once again, I couldn't find a picture.  Beck's point is not online, but I found a painting similar to it: Floating Ice Winter Morning Delaware River

 Definitely in the same spirit as Beck's point.  Sort of cold and lifeless but at the same time, there is an eery beauty about it.  

The thing about Reynolda House that struck me was not the exhibits, but rather, it was something else.  The actual part of the house that was on display blew my mind.  There is a swimming pool, a bowling alley, a squash court, a shooting gallery, a bar area, an organ, an extremely large living room, sun porches, over ten bedrooms, a pool table, a ping pong room, I mean the list goes on and on.  The vast size of this place was just ridiculous.  It also had about four floors in total, including the attic which had some very creepy old dolls on display that sort of messed with my friends' and I's heads.  

 There were some very nice pieces of art in the main area as well.  There was one of a huge jungle in the foreground and a mountain in the background that was especially impressive.  I was actually able to find this online.    

But just the size of this place, all the furniture and items in this place was just insane to me.  Just when you thought you couldn't find anything else in the house you'd wind up in a whole other area that would take you ten minutes to explore.  We spend at least a good hour and a half just exploring all of the old rooms and pieces of furniture and art work in Reynolda House.  The trip itself turned into a really fun, really nice experience.  I was happy I went.  I was happy that I saw Phantom Lake too, that painting was just so nice to me and I sort of just lost myself in that painting, which was a very nice feeling.

  

Reynolda House is a place that is a must for anyone.  Whether they like art like this or not, I think everyone will find something to appreciate at Reynolda House.

  

Midterm: A photo can tell a story

I find Roland Barthes' "Camera Lucida" to be an irrelevant, confusing, extremely frustrating text that is just impossible to get into.  I do not have the patience for his writing style and I really just don't like this book.  The man also doesn't like film, which is his opinion but that automatically makes me scratch my head and be less open to his ideas and his writing.  

That's not to say that the book is a complete waste of time, the man is very smart and at times has some really interesting insight, but it feels like a lot of the time he's just all over the place in his descriptions and most of the time, he's just a really hard to follow guy.  

I did find a couple of interesting things in the book, but one quote specifically stuck out to me and made me think of the picture above that I posted.  

"Whatever it grants to vision and whatever its manner, a photograph is always invisible: it is not it that we see."

The picture above is from the cover box art to the game, "Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots", which happens to be one my favorite games of all time. MGS4 is the final chapter in the "Metal Gear" saga and concludes the story of series hero, Solid Snake as he embarks on his final mission to defeat his nemesis, Liquid Ocelot who is hellbent on world domination, and controls most of the world's military.  

The story follows Snake who is has grown substantially older due to a rapid aging disease that he has.  This disease is inhibiting Snake's abilities and is cutting into his life. He knows he is going to die soon, and accepts this mission with reluctance, but realizes that he is the only one who can stop Liquid.  

The game itself is a masterpiece in gameplay and in storytelling, but that really isn't what I want to focus on here, nor is it relevant to the assignment.

This picture in so many words just captures Snake completely.  You can see in that blue eye of his, all the battles he has fought, all the villains he has killed and just the psychological damage this has done to him.  He's a character that has been through so much and just sacrifices himself, especially in this chapter of the series for the greater good of the world.  

But to just the normal person who was to look at this, someone who doesn't have an emotional connection with this character, just this sullen look in his eye, this deep sadness he feels over not only his own impending death, but just the loneliness over his life really should just jump out to them.  He's a man who has always depended on himself and never let anyone into his life.  Because of this, he has never really experienced too many real human connections.  And even the few friends he does have, he never fully lets into his life making him even more isolated from everyone and everything.  I really get the sense of this more than ever of Snake's sadness and loneliness he feels on a daily basis through the cover of MGS4, and it really touches you and makes you feel a connection with Snake.  

The way Snake is treated in the game as a character, and just throughout all the games is great.  He goes through a lot of emotional changes, he loses and gains friends, he fights real and human enemies that you as a player can sympathize with and just the overall experience of the Metal Gear Solid games makes you feel like you are Snake, and it is through all of these experiences that you really love this character.  

But that look just embodies Snake and gets the player emotionally ready to go on that journey with Snake, as Snake.  That look, that look to me just captures what the character feels so much at this point in his life, and to me it's something that I can look at and just admire, not only because it has such a deep emotional meaning, but the craftsmanship of the art is just beautiful. I also think that the cliched statement of, "A picture says a thousand words" is actually true here.  Through this picture of Snake, you can really get a sense of who he is and how he feels.  And I feel that regardless of if a work is a painting or a photograph, that you should get a sense of how the subject being portrayed feels.  And I think that this picture of Snake does exactly that.  

"Ultimately Photography is subversive not when it frightens, repels, or even stigmatizes, but when it is pensive, when it thinks."

-Roland Barthes 

Barthes actually does have a really good point about the comparisons of art to photography.  He feels like the first person who saw a photograph probably thought it was a painting because he feels that photography is and always will be in painting's shadow.  I kind of feel the same way here.  This art work here, is in fact a piece of art, but it looks so realistic to the point that to me, from my point of view it is more of a photograph.  A snap shot of a character that encompasses every fiber in his being and brings him so to life that it is just absolutely insane in the sense of the feelings I feel from this picture of Snake.  

Photographs and paintings go hand in hand in many ways, but I feel like the best photographs, the best paintings trigger some sort of emotional reaction out of me.  Not only does this photograph/painting do this, but I think if this was hung at an art exhibit a lot of people would be mesmerized by the detail and emotions that Snake shows.  And an emotional connection to anything will make anyone out there feel good about themselves.  And that's a reason I always come back to things in my life that I really care about, because they make me feel good about myself, and that is and always will be a very, very good thing.  

To give you just an idea of what Solid Snake goes through in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, here is the opening cut scene from the game.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKpd7i8nwEw is a better way to watch it, and I recommend watching it on youtube in high quality, but the video is here in its smaller form here below.  I think that if you watch it, you'll get a sense of the emotional power the source material comes from and you'll get a better sense of the character of Solid Snake.  

The Boy, The Man, The Journey- Part VIII: You And Me, Part I

From the moment I saw you open your door

I pointed to you, as I did I wanted you even more.

I knew I had to find a way to earn your trust

I don't know how much I have left, it's either you or bust.

And as I held your hand that night

You made me feel like everything was going to be all right.

And as we looked at each other and I moved in closely

I couldn't believe it when you began to kiss me.

So we talked again, we agreed to give it a try.

I wasn't full of regret, I didn't even lie.

Things were finally going perfectly

Someone was finally taking my feelings seriously.

Everyday was a gift, there was nothing we couldn't endure.

You'd run over to me and I'd hold you, it made me feel so sure

That this could actually work out, I knew what I had to do,

I worked so hard those few days so that I could be with you.

Now the truth came out and crushed my heart.

I sit here all alone, feeling like I've been torn apart.

While I agree that we were moving way too fast,

I thought finally I'd found something that could last.

Is there a wall between us, or is there hope?

I really wish we could make a decision, all I can do is mope.

And now you're fading fast, now it seems like you are gone.

Is there something I did that was wrong?

As I looked into your eyes there was nothing in the way,

All I wanted to do was be with you all day.

But then the case was closed, my life was history

If there was someone, you were right for me.

I know it's only been one day, but I miss you so much.

I don't know why I've become so attached, it must have been your touch.

You were everything I wanted, and maybe one day we can pick up where we left off.

I really hope we do, because right now I'm just so lost.

I've been down this line before, I've had lots of strange affairs.

My heart's sunk and risen and gone everywhere.

You're not playing games with me, but somewhere down the line you need to be straight forward,

I just need to know what you're leaning toward.

I wish there was something you would do or say

I think that it went well, but I don't want it to end this way.

But I get the feeling that both of us can tell that things will never be the same.

Is that just me, or will there be a day when you never call my name?

Every moment we were together I took it seriously.

I looked into your eyes and knew you were an echantress, full of mystery.

All I want to do is to kiss you strong and slow.

Please let's make this work, because I don't want you to go.

You're smart, and so am I.

Our decisions are justified.

But I'm just so sad, because we agreed on something and then we realized

That we made a mistake and to each other, we lied.

You aren't like the others, in fact you are the best.

You aren't crazy, but you still cause me unrest.

I have so much about myself that I still don't know

What else is there that I have to show?

For those few weeks, I kept my mouth shut.

All I could do was sit back and yearn for your love.

I can't take this anymore, the pain and misery

No one ever takes my feelings seriously.

When I talked to you again, I failed

You seemed afraid, your complexion became so pale.

You snapped and told me to slow down and brought me back to reality.

As a result, I've said goodbye to your company.

All I was asking is how you felt, nothing more.

You reacted as if I had beaten down your bedroom door.

I get where you're coming from, but you seem so sad

All I've ever wanted to do was make you glad.

I'm willing to give you as much time as you need this Fall.

Just know that I am here awaiting your call.

I can't stop until I have you again, it's something I need almost desperately

But three weeks from now, will you still need me?

If we never do this again, I want to thank you for the moments that we shared.

I know they were few, but I was always happy, never scared.

Oh, I hope this does not turn out like the rest of my history,

All I want is you, all I want is you and me.

Strangers In The Night

Dear Sir,

You sit in here all night, always waiting for someone, but never finding anyone.  You lift your head up for a moment and stare at those around you.  Fellow drunks, slobs and others lie alone.  Some stir, others lie motionless as if they had long since left this world.

Every night, every day you are glued to this seat.  Pint in your hand, grizzled beard covered in nothing but dirt and grease.  Lay your head back down and piss your life away.  

This place drives you insane.  One place, everyday, one chair, one thought: isolation.  The ultimate form isolation.  Putting yourself in one place, why don't you change?  Do something different.  Make a change.  You complained your whole life about how everything is against you, if that's true then why don't you fight?  Lying down, doing nothing and wasting away in this dark and dank place does nothing for you.

You sit up again.  Life is useless, meaningless.  You don't even want to live anymore, but it's the only thing you've ever known, so you just keep doing it.  

Why do something that has no point?  Why torture yourself?  Why do nothing with your life when you can do or could have done so much.  

Regret.  That is what you live with.  Fear, fear to change.  That is what holds you back, that is what keeps you in this musty place day after day.  

Try to make something of what you have left.

-Anonymous.

Found

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I got a nice present from someone who is arguably my favorite teacher ever.  Her name is Olga and she basically has taught me math for my entire life.  

She has been tutoring me since elementary school on and off and she works at my the high school my mom is a guidance counselor at.  I was then lucky enough to go to that high school and be fully taught by Olga for the first time as her student.  It was truly an honor.

Olga is one of the nicest, smartest and greatest people I've ever met.  She has a huge heart and is willing to do absolutely anything for her friends and family.  She has endured many hardships through her life.  She was raised in a one room apartment with about five other families by her mom.  Through her later years she and her mother would legally immigrate from Russia to America, and after a lengthy legal process, they finally made it.  They didn't know one word of English, but would later learn the language and gain full citizenship.  Olga herself started out as a hair dresser, but would later get a degree and began teaching at the Benjamin Franklin Academy in the early 90s.  

These two items, one that says, "Dearest Graham, happy 19th!  Two more years and we'll drink together!  Love you!  Always yours, Olgie".  That made me smile.  Olga sacrificed a lot of time and effort teaching me and being there for me and this is just another example of her love for me.  The second picture is a strange sort of Rorschach drawing that she made on a napkin during an extremely boring faculty meeting.  

I really love this napkin drawing because it's so simplistic and is just there for me to appreciate. It has nice colors, it's not too abstract and it's just there for me to enjoy.  It's something I can look at, appreciate and make me feel good and remember how awesome Olga is.

Both of these items are near and dear to my heart and remind me of the great times I shared with Olga.  To the outside eye, it might not seem like too much, but when you've got as a deep as a relationship as I have with Olga, anything you get from someone you really care about, a great friend like her, will always brighten your day.  It sure as hell brightened mine.  

The Boy, The Man, The Journey-Part VII: Trying To Be Free

Trying to be Free:

You’d better start doing something soon the sun has begun to set.

You say you’re going to do something but I have yet

To really see you put any effort forth

Into becoming a person of worth.

Nothing is their fault, it’s all on you.  

Now wake up and stop acting like a fool.  

Did you really believe that she’d take you with her on her trip?

Did you really think that you’d be together on that ship?

How blind could you be?

You were in denial but now you see

How wrong it was to not go back to school.

And now you’ve got nothing to do.  

You live in the past and hold on to all that’s out of range.

Instead you should focus on the things that you can change.  

Nothing is much fun anymore.

It’s all been ruined many times before.

Why are you still sitting here like a tool?  

Go make something of yourself you fool.  

You give up and you stay up late.

Nothing is important, nothing matters, ain't it great?

Now you’re discovering that it’s not 

Worth it to trap yourself inside this box.

Now the gray clouds are forming above you.

And now the rain is falling, too.  

And when you go to that far away place

Away from all the people that you think have sealed your fate.

How will you react when you walk through those doors?

The thoughts might still be there just like before.

You will be nothing if you don’t believe it’s true

That you can change and stop being so blue.  

Who cares about the things you think about?

No one does, and neither should you, so you should block it out.  

There’s no reason to hang on to it at all.  

In fact, I don’t know why you’re still taking the fall.  

Let it go, it’s only destroying you.  

You’ve got to understand that this is something you’ve got to do.

Get your things right now it’s time to go.

Please do everything you can and don’t give up hope

That you can do anything.

And believe me you’re far from going insane.  

Stop your bullshit, listen to you heart and go out and prove

That you’ve got a reason for being here, too.    

Accept it for what it is, now let’s move on.  

Nothing’s been ruined, nothing is wrong.  

It’s going to be ok.  

I know it doesn’t seem like it but some day,

You’re going to wake up and feel fresh and renewed,

And you’ll soar out into the sky like a bird that flew.